this 1980s revival is getting way the fuck out of hand

ok it was pretty cool when everyone was ripping off the new pop after simon reynolds discovered the rosetta stone while on the piss back in 2001 (translated in today's language it said: "that scritti politti dude looks faggy"). it was amusing when the kids discovered crispy ambulance. great when they found out about the new romantics! annoyingly mainstream when people got a bunch of old new order records out! justified when a bunch of sour faced geordies found a crate of old XTC records buried under the old virgin records offices! irritating when hollywood found out about a little known group that were called tears for fears! profitable when advertising creatives found out you could sell chocolate with phil collins nude!

but now my report on the ground is that the kids are down with dire straits! that's right!! you remember those guys? they ruined at least one of douglas adams' hitchhiker books and they're back!! back with their homophobias and trans-atlantic fascism ((C) Robin Carmody) and shitty shit shit computer "graphics"! who is the hero of the kids? no it isn't the greatest black man in American history (Kanye), it's this cunt:

well sorry kids i am hoppin off this train to a shitty club with cheap vodka shots and getting on the NINETIES BANDWAGON before all of you! yeahhh lets get some fuckin flannel shirts out, listen to shitty grunge and act like a bunch of fucking losers who dont have any purpose in life!! 

so long SUCKERS and good luck catching up with me. i'll be on the spin doctors revival while you losers are still bringing back acid house!!

IMPORTANT NOTICE

i am a professional music writer!! any slurs against my good name suggesting that i am not professional are false. i mean a) i am better than yr blog standard writer you can notice that and b) i am being paid to write thiz shiznit.

i cant tell you who pays my wages for writing such top quality gear but his initials are RM and he hatez the muslims. so yeah dont fuck wiv me or i'll get every right wing media outlet from here to timbuktu on yo azz.

ps: Why don't the liberal elite music artists giving fair and equal space to conservative viewpoints in their songs? And why do they hate America? Front line soldiers on the liberal side in the culture wares? Probably. Look at that homosexual Bono there.

i dont know why you niggaz are hating on kanye west

seriously just because he is a black man and a gay man (= GAY NIGGA FROM OUTER SPACE)

his shit is off the hook yo and yo just jealous

ps i aint racist or homophobic honest i like his song the love lockdown not even morrissey could hate him for that

The Buttezview: Guns N' Roses - "Chinese Democracy"

OH MY GOD AXL ROSE IS BACK AND HE'S BOUGHT THE WORLD A COKE DR PEPPER

YESSIR after 271 years axl rose come back late last year to drop a hot new one on the world. now you must remember that shit took time. last time when axl released an album (lol spaghetti incident lol doesnt count) he was working with dudes like SLASH and BEETHOVEN and CHARLES GRODIN (from the hit films "BEETHOVEN" and "BEETHOVEN'S SECOND) and it was the year 1772. now it was 2008 and he had kinda worked with BUCKETHEAD but not and i guess he's found some dudes who havent had haircuts since Axl got on that bus with the black people he didnt like.

so how did it go down? lets review this TRACK BY TRACK:

Chinese Democracy

AXL YOU BUTTHEAD they dont have the democracy in china. look i live in sydney ok and that means i have a lot of sex with chinese girls. now i cant have this album which not only is called "chinese democracy" but has a song called "chinese democracy" in the bedroom just in case it causes issues in there which i dont want when i'm getting it on

THINK about it. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

Shackler's Revenge

who da fuck is a shackler and what is he going on about?? what is he revenging? AXL sounds like AXL again which would be great if it was 1887 or whenever he was last relevant. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

Better

more like WORSE

also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

Street of Dreams

oh man what is this with the piano and the strings and seriously is this use your illusion III or what son?? also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

If The World

if the world got a dr pepper everything would be cool but typical AMERIKKA only gives dr pepper to AMERIKKA but you know what? last time i had a dr pepper it was at a sandwich shop in AMERIKKA and it wasnt panera bread. i didnt care for it TOO MUCH but it was less worse than the time when they tried to sell it at my high school for 20 cents and nobody bought it except for the dumbass kids. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

There Was A Time

TWAT!! lol yr such a punning wordsmith, axl!!

also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

Catcher In The Rye

Axl reborn as a...16-year-old with a LiveJournal??? also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

Scraped

YAHHHH AXL'S BACK!! good song but is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

Riad N' Bedouins

OMG THE MUSLIM BLACK ARABS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE WHITE HOUSE AND NOW HAVE TAKEN OVER THE GUNS N' ROSES!! IT EVEN SOUNDS A BIT LIKE THE MANIC STREET PREACHERS WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE SOCIALIST GAYS RATHER THAN GAY SOCIALISTS!! also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

Sorry

you should be for making a nigga wait this long and is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

I.R.S.

OH MY GOD AXL WROTE A SONG ABOUT WRESTLING'S MIKE ROTUNDA

hey do you remember his feud with razor ramon?? or when he and ted dibase beat the hulk hogan?? maybe they should have got hulk hogan's daughter to sing on this song with a diss on this dude?? also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

Madagascar

omg Axl wrote a song for a kid's film WHAT A FUCKING SELLOUT I'M TAKING THIS SHIT OUT AND GETTING THE NEW VELVET REVOLVER ALBUM...oh, maybe not. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

This I Love

did axl actually wish the aids on freddie mercury and kenny everett but then felt sorry about it? i believe he did. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?

Prostitute 

is THIS the song with the Shaq Rap?

The Verdict

growing up i knew a kid whose older brother got him all the guns n' roses albums. he grew up and turned out to be a child molester. anyways this tells you all you need to know but i would be happy to buy Axl a Pepsi all the same. its the taste of a new generation.

hey if you listen to cut copy or hercules and love affair, you are a stupid deaf cunt that likes second rate indie electro guff and i hope you die

also: you wear a stupid "80s" t-shirt full of gay colours (despite you being a homophobic cunt)