TEH BUTTEZ IS BACK! i've been away coz music is boring but i'm back because i gotta defend the blogosphere from web 2.0 and WESTWOOD'S TWITTER1!1!! and because this boring cunt is back to bore us all:
yessir joe cocker's annoying dickhead great-great-grandson is back and THIS TIME HE'S A TORY! real talk! he was like "oh, David Cameron should be the new fuhrer of England" (sorry america this is englander talk you can skip it) which means he's THE NEW BRYAN FERRY but with a CREPEY PEDO BEARD!!
so the PEOPLE'S HERO OF BRITPOP has now got plans to a conservative knob. how does one be a conservative knob? well, not by being Pulp for start? you see our wanky art student from Sheffield was surrounded by a couple of talented nobodys who did the music while he was being rude to Wacko Jacko (some sympathy plz, did you ever see "The Jacksons" mini-series, Jarvis??) and they had some BANGIN' TUNES ((C) Dom "Fatman" Passantino).
but we carnt have that no we gotta go down with some conservative mor-indie tunez that appeal to 30-somethind middle managers who remember when they copped a feel on a chick once in a disco when they were playing Disco 2000 (OH THE IRONY) which was just a shitty version of "Gloria" made shittier because Jarvis Cockhead was being proto-conservative with a crepey pedo beard singing his lyrics about him trying to smash underage girls!!!!1!!
SERIOUSLY. let's break it down track by track:
oh by the way this is actually mor-indie RAWK because steve alibini was drafted in. now this is the year 2009, so why are we sucking steve alibini's tiny cock??? i mean sure there's The Wedding Present's "Seamonsters" but that in 1991 and that was all about the Weddos amirite. (as an aside, your man Gedge is a proper Yorkshireman on the level of Geoffrey Boycott. he didn't need to run down to London to fuck greek chicks like Jarvis did. and sleeping with greek chix is not a great achivement as they have no choice since all the greek blokes are the gay.) what has he done since then? FUCK ALL. scrubbed up a shitty nirvana album (and nirvana was the shittest of ALL bands. oh and he worked with the mark of cain. LOL seriously. unfortunately i can remember the mark of cain.
anyway this song is shit
so that's the name of the latest young girl he's pedo-stalking? SOMEBODY CALL THE NEWS OF THE WORLD QUICK
more like TRYHARD. seriously trying to dress up as pedo high school teacher and trying to make that a fashion statement while mucking around with RAWK is TRYHARD.
but that original oxfam look is something i recommened in this economic climate.
i'm not going to review this song before it is really shit. anyway i had the chance to fuck a chick into pulp a little while but she didnt show up and i fucked a really drunk chick from hull instead. SCORE ANOTHER ONE FOR THE BUTTEZ!! ladies call me anytime
"I Never Said I Was Deep"
i said you are shit and should give up and go make a fucking britart (more like shitart) for your tory friends
yeah well i think the fact that you grew a pedo beard is a good enough excuse for her to have divorced your tory arse. hey wasnt she FRENCH?? fucking typical tory art wanker!!
wait AMG's Stephen Thomas Erlewine gave this shit 4.5 stars? what a cunt. BRING BACK NED RAGGETT!!!!!!!!!!!! he likes the spliffs!!!
he might as well named this song after the hot internet meme 'i'm white btw'. only a cunty middle class white person could call a song this. i bet jarvis has a token black friend too (maybe it could be the dude from the block party??) and goes to subway for lunch about twice a week.
JARVIS TAKES ON THE ENVIRONMENT!! wow just wow this is like reading a piece in the Murdoch press rallying against climate change.
"You're In My Eyes (Discosong)"
well well well look at someone digging up the past. sorry BUT YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT YOUR ROBOT CAR
i used to think pulp was the greatest thing ever once. banging tunes!! common people!! now we're all middle managers who are getting into NOISE RAWK. we love life more like I HATE FUCKING CONSERVATIVES AND LIFE
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
ok it was pretty cool when everyone was ripping off the new pop after simon reynolds discovered the rosetta stone while on the piss back in 2001 (translated in today's language it said: "that scritti politti dude looks faggy"). it was amusing when the kids discovered crispy ambulance. great when they found out about the new romantics! annoyingly mainstream when people got a bunch of old new order records out! justified when a bunch of sour faced geordies found a crate of old XTC records buried under the old virgin records offices! irritating when hollywood found out about a little known group that were called tears for fears! profitable when advertising creatives found out you could sell chocolate with phil collins nude!
but now my report on the ground is that the kids are down with dire straits! that's right!! you remember those guys? they ruined at least one of douglas adams' hitchhiker books and they're back!! back with their homophobias and trans-atlantic fascism ((C) Robin Carmody) and shitty shit shit computer "graphics"! who is the hero of the kids? no it isn't the greatest black man in American history (Kanye), it's this cunt:
well sorry kids i am hoppin off this train to a shitty club with cheap vodka shots and getting on the NINETIES BANDWAGON before all of you! yeahhh lets get some fuckin flannel shirts out, listen to shitty grunge and act like a bunch of fucking losers who dont have any purpose in life!!
so long SUCKERS and good luck catching up with me. i'll be on the spin doctors revival while you losers are still bringing back acid house!!
i am a professional music writer!! any slurs against my good name suggesting that i am not professional are false. i mean a) i am better than yr blog standard writer you can notice that and b) i am being paid to write thiz shiznit.
i cant tell you who pays my wages for writing such top quality gear but his initials are RM and he hatez the muslims. so yeah dont fuck wiv me or i'll get every right wing media outlet from here to timbuktu on yo azz.
ps: Why don't the liberal elite music artists giving fair and equal space to conservative viewpoints in their songs? And why do they hate America? Front line soldiers on the liberal side in the culture wares? Probably. Look at that homosexual Bono there.
Friday, January 2, 2009
seriously just because he is a black man and a gay man (= GAY NIGGA FROM OUTER SPACE)
his shit is off the hook yo and yo just jealous
ps i aint racist or homophobic honest i like his song the love lockdown not even morrissey could hate him for that
Thursday, January 1, 2009
OH MY GOD AXL ROSE IS BACK AND HE'S BOUGHT THE WORLD A
COKE DR PEPPER
YESSIR after 271 years axl rose come back late last year to drop a hot new one on the world. now you must remember that shit took time. last time when axl released an album (lol spaghetti incident lol doesnt count) he was working with dudes like SLASH and BEETHOVEN and CHARLES GRODIN (from the hit films "BEETHOVEN" and "BEETHOVEN'S SECOND) and it was the year 1772. now it was 2008 and he had kinda worked with BUCKETHEAD but not and i guess he's found some dudes who havent had haircuts since Axl got on that bus with the black people he didnt like.
so how did it go down? lets review this TRACK BY TRACK:
AXL YOU BUTTHEAD they dont have the democracy in china. look i live in sydney ok and that means i have a lot of sex with chinese girls. now i cant have this album which not only is called "chinese democracy" but has a song called "chinese democracy" in the bedroom just in case it causes issues in there which i dont want when i'm getting it on
THINK about it. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
who da fuck is a shackler and what is he going on about?? what is he revenging? AXL sounds like AXL again which would be great if it was 1887 or whenever he was last relevant. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
more like WORSE
also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
Street of Dreams
oh man what is this with the piano and the strings and seriously is this use your illusion III or what son?? also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
If The World
if the world got a dr pepper everything would be cool but typical AMERIKKA only gives dr pepper to AMERIKKA but you know what? last time i had a dr pepper it was at a sandwich shop in AMERIKKA and it wasnt panera bread. i didnt care for it TOO MUCH but it was less worse than the time when they tried to sell it at my high school for 20 cents and nobody bought it except for the dumbass kids. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
There Was A Time
TWAT!! lol yr such a punning wordsmith, axl!!
also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
Catcher In The Rye
Axl reborn as a...16-year-old with a LiveJournal??? also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
YAHHHH AXL'S BACK!! good song but is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
Riad N' Bedouins
OMG THE MUSLIM BLACK ARABS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE WHITE HOUSE AND NOW HAVE TAKEN OVER THE GUNS N' ROSES!! IT EVEN SOUNDS A BIT LIKE THE MANIC STREET PREACHERS WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE SOCIALIST GAYS RATHER THAN GAY SOCIALISTS!! also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
you should be for making a nigga wait this long and is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
OH MY GOD AXL WROTE A SONG ABOUT WRESTLING'S MIKE ROTUNDA
hey do you remember his feud with razor ramon?? or when he and ted dibase beat the hulk hogan?? maybe they should have got hulk hogan's daughter to sing on this song with a diss on this dude?? also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
omg Axl wrote a song for a kid's film WHAT A FUCKING SELLOUT I'M TAKING THIS SHIT OUT AND GETTING THE NEW VELVET REVOLVER ALBUM...oh, maybe not. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
This I Love
did axl actually wish the aids on freddie mercury and kenny everett but then felt sorry about it? i believe he did. also, is this the song with the Shaq Rap?
is THIS the song with the Shaq Rap?
growing up i knew a kid whose older brother got him all the guns n' roses albums. he grew up and turned out to be a child molester. anyways this tells you all you need to know but i would be happy to buy Axl a Pepsi all the same. its the taste of a new generation.
hey if you listen to cut copy or hercules and love affair, you are a stupid deaf cunt that likes second rate indie electro guff and i hope you die
also: you wear a stupid "80s" t-shirt full of gay colours (despite you being a homophobic cunt)
Monday, December 29, 2008
THEY CAN'T TOUCH TITS
I TOLD YOU HOMEBOY (THEY CAN'T TOUCH TITS)
YEAH, REMEMBER THAT BRO'S BLONDE EIGHTIES HAIR (THEY CAN'T TOUCH TITS)
LOOK AT THE SOPHISTICATED POP VIRGINS, MAN (THEY CAN'T TOUCH TITS)
YO, DID HE DO THAT SONG 'THE KING OF ROCK N ROLL'? (THEY CAN'T TOUCH TITS)